I somehow thought I had "cured" myself of having Anxiety Disorder. There I am, tralala-ing through my life and BAM! Stressful situation turns me into palpitating nauseated insomniac girl. It doesn't matter why or how. Only that I am not paying attention. I'm not paying attention to what I need to do so that I don't find myself in these situations.

I was reading Jen's entry today, and I really think she's on to something good. Simple philosophy. "Don't Suck." and then there's her husband's "Kick Ass." It's time for me not to suck so much and start kicking some ass.

Shit, maybe by the time I'm 40, I'll actually be a grown up. It doesn't have to be this hard, does it?

Last night, Os and I sat down and figured things out... (again). And it's not as catastrophic as I was making it to be three days ago and letting myself live in Anxiety Land in the process. We sat down at the laptop, did a budget. Figured out what was going out and what we have coming in. Talked about what we need to cut out until the house sells. (not this house that we live in but the investment house that is essentially our savings account right now). We won't count on money "coming in" until it's in. That's the suck part of self-employment. You just never know for sure about a "for sure" deal.

Really, I blame my parents. Ok, not really, I have a degree for God's sake, I should be better at this stuff. But I will not make our budgeting, banking, and bill paying, a secret activity. When Isa is old enough, I will teach her how to budget and do these things. I will not hide stuff from Os. It's stupid of me to be doing the banking while he's not home. I think it's because I still have that unreasonable fear that he's going to "catch" me doing something wrong. Or paying something late. And even if he did, so what? He's still going to be there.

My brain has this rational side that tries to talk to the rest of my brain out of these irrational fears. Sometimes my irrational side doesn't listen, and then here comes the Anxiety.

I know, I should probably go back to therapy and stuff. But I don't want to be on Paxil again. I don't want to feel like I "need treatment." I did end up taking a Xanax, yesterday because I couldn't handle the stress. But it made me so sleepy, I was a total zombie at work. Especially since I wasn't sleeping at night. I just want to be OK without having to resort to medication or weekly therapy. Why can't I just get past this?

:::

joy... it's going to be ok.

annoying... officemates who can't shut up

Isa... suffered through her party with new Levi jeans that were too big (4T) because her mama was too dumb to realize that inside the waistband there were these adjustable pull things that would have kept her pants from falling and showing her butt-crack. (another episode of I Suck)

random... gotta get one of those Peeps in a Chocolate Egg!

discovered... formerlyrosie